Just when I thought I was making progress on my mission to not care…I woke up. Today was tough and I’m not sure why. Nothing triggered the additional sadness. I just woke up missing her tremendously and that feeling stayed with me throughout the day. It’s not just her that I miss though. I also miss the dream of her.
I miss how our relationship was from February to April. I miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything, any hour of the day. We used to spend hours a day talking, whether it was in person or over iMessage. I miss those days when I’d wake up to a text from her and go to bed telling her, “Goodnight Princess. You’re awesome and I adore you.” I miss the sound of her voice and seeing her smile. I miss…her.
Then there’s the dream of her. For the last few months, there’s nothing that I wanted more than to be her boyfriend. I miss having daydreams where I’d think, “Wouldn’t being with her be completely wonderful?” I’m a dreamer — always have been — and Asika was one of the most delightful dreams that I’ve ever had.
Losing her and the dream of her has me feeling empty. I’m back to where I was at the end of last year, but it’s even worse. The end of my marriage was a slow burn that took years to completely dissolve. As bad as it was, I prepared myself (as best I could, anyway) for the ending. Losing Asika was sudden. A bunch of things came up over text and she was out of my life. It’s like the difference between constant, nagging pain and sudden, sharp pain.
My apartment feels so lifeless, though I suppose that how I want it to feel. She was the only person that I’ve had over for years. I guess that’s appropriate because she was the only person that I let in my heart for years. I’m hopeful that I won’t make that mistake again. I hate feeling this way. I hate missing her.