Everything, Nothing, and Dirty Little Secrets

She once told me, “You have made many of my dreams, needs and wants come true and for that I can’t ever thank you enough,” and, “you are everything and more.” Yet if you peruse her social media, there’s very little evidence that we knew each other at all, let alone meant anything to each other. Was it lie? I’d like to think not.

I once told her, “You’re my dirty little secret.” That stems from not telling her coworkers precisely how dear she was to me. In retrospect, maybe I was her dirty little secret. More likely, I was just a placeholder — someone that gave her love, affection, and attention while she got over her failed marriage until she was ready to be with someone else. Last week she said, that I helped her get over her ex-husband. Now she has feelings for someone else. How wonderful for her. Where do placeholders go after they’ve been discarded?

Maybe it’s good (for her) that she doesn’t have many photos and videos of the time we spent together. I’m easier to forget that way. I’m sure she’ll forget about me and what we had soon. I’m also sure that I’ll look at the photos I have of her every day for a long time, missing her immensely and feeling pain over the way things ended up.

I’m trying to convince myself that emotions are just random chemical reactions that don’t really mean anything. Things are just more convenient that way. It’s also easier to reconcile that perhaps I was everything and more to her, once upon a time. Soon, I’ll be nothing.

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