Even though Asika and I initially bonded over the TV showย Friends, this post isn’t about that. It’s about friends that I don’t really have anymore. For a long time, I had many amazing friends — excellent people that I could count on for anything and everything. From high school to college to New York to San Francisco, I had a brilliant support network of incredible people. I haven’t had that in years and I’m suffering for it now.

Part of it was getting married. Marriage requires work and you have to put a lot of yourself into it. A bigger part of it was my marriage falling apart. Even before she left last year, the two years prior to that were tiring. I tried, struggled, and ultimately failed to keep things together. The time and energy I put into trying to keep my marriage going caused me to neglect a lot of great friends. Of course they all had lots of things to do and their own lives to lead. Relationships change, fade, and end.

One of the people I was closest to in the world — someone that would do anything for me — died of cancer in 2009. Another person that I loved immensely has two kids to worry about these days. Someone that I used to be dearly close to has a marriage of his own to worry about. Another fantastic friend moved back to New York. Then there are people that, for whatever reason, I’ve just lost touch with.

Again, a lot of this is my fault. I had duties and obligations to someone else, even though in retrospect the work I put into the relationship wasn’t reciprocated (hmmmm, pattern?). I had to let some friendships go.

Certainly there are people that I could turn to in dire situations, but something like heartbreak is…touchier. Even though it might ruin me, it’s not going to kill me. Crying and whining to someone (which I’ve done some of on Facebook Messenger already) makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with all of these emotions I’m having. Exercise is giving me an outlet for it, but doesn’t heal the problem. I need help, time, and attention. I need friends like I used to have.

Okay, silver lining — Ether said she was going to try to visit next month. That would be amazing for me, but I’m not going to count on it. As dear as she was and is to me, she has her own family to worry about and was flaky in her younger years. Still, she’s all I have to look forward to right now. I hope she makes it.

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