“Anger, she smiles, towering in shiny metallic purple armor.”
I think I’ve entered the “anger” stage of my depression. It’s a generally unspecific anger. I pretty much hate everything right now. I’m trying to be angry with her and on some level I should be. There were some things — a lot of things, actually — that she could have done better and there were several times when she took me for granted. It’s frustrating that I can’t direct my anger towards her; when I think about Asika, it’s mostly about all the things I’m going to miss and the beautiful moments we had…and how she’s my dream girl.
And no, I’m not angry at myself. I know that I have a lot to offer and Asika was lucky to have my attention. I’m confident that I would have been a great boyfriend to her and I would have worked hard to make her happy. For several months, I treated her better than anyone else in my life. Was it deserved? Some people have told me that I was too kind and generous to her. I don’t care. It’s what I wanted to do for her as a friend. She gave me things that I haven’t had in a long time and made me feel things that I haven’t felt in a long time. In my mind, she deserved everything I gave her.
So I’m left with these weird “Ari Gold” temper tantrums. The anger just wells up and bursts. I’ll see something completely innocuous and want it to die. I’ll see someone on the street make a simple mistake and hope they get hit by a car. I tried to punch a bee today because it flew too close to me while I was walking. You know, after typing them out, none of these are good examples. I’m having a hard time explaining it. Oh well, I’m sure the rage will pass and the tears will come back (not that they ever fully went away).
And yes, some people might think it’s sacrilege not to post a clip of the excellent Jimi Hendrix version of “Bold as Love,” but I like the Elise Testone cover. Jimi’s is the best, of course, but Elise’s version is sexy.