The Return of HBK!!!

Vodka

After being left in July, I was pretty much dead inside for the rest of the year. Being abandoned by the person that’s supposed to love you…feeling like a failure — it scarred me to the point where I chose not to feel much of anything. I became quite good at having a reasonably chipper exterior while blocking any meaningful emotions. And then Asika came.

I knew her for a little more than a year, but never said too much. In December, I helped her start a WordPress blog and I read one of her posts while I was visiting my family in Hawaii. Her words, her feelings, and her emotions — I was instantly drawn to her. The depth of her sadness was just…moving.

She ended up indirectly getting me a nice freelance gig, so I took her to a nice dinner in January. While I always found her attractive, I didn’t know how smart and charming she was. I was fascinated by her on a platonic level and really wanted to spend more time with her. And we did. Lots of time hanging out and hundreds of thousands of words over iMessage. I discovered a wonderful person and made a truly beautiful connection.

I think I fell for Asika at the end of March. Her company and attention made me the happiest I’ve been in years. All the best times I had in 2015 were with her. She mentioned a few times that she didn’t want to be in a relationship, so I never shared my feelings with her, out of respect. That was, perhaps, a mistake.

A few weeks ago, she told me that she started having feelings for an old friend. My heart just spilled onto the floor (yes, I stole that line from Warrant). I was shocked and heartbroken.

Asika finally asked if I had feelings for her on Monday and I’ve never lied to her, so I told her. Continuing to spend time with her wouldn’t be good for either of us, so I’m ending our friendship on Thursday. Honestly, I wanted to do it sooner and had a plan for it. She’s been struggling with work and desperately trying to find a new job. I’ve been trying to help her, but she ended up finding a new job on her own. I was going to wait until she received a start date to end things. I figured that she’d be happy with a new job and her new boyfriend that losing me wouldn’t matter.

I’m going to miss her tremendously. For the majority of the year, she was the best thing in my life. She’s a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. Until she started seeing her new guy, she was always there for me. There were so many days that I woke up to texts from her and went to bed the same way — those were always my favorite days. She accepted me, despite my craziness. She encouraged me to eat better (I have been) and tried to get me to the gym (just started last week, so I’m late). She made me feel care for and loved, while trying help me be a better me.

Asika is just an incredible woman. I adore who she is now and respect the person she’s trying to be. I find her company absolutely delightful and could stare at her face for hours. I love hearing her voice and listening to her talk about anything. She doesn’t know how smart, beautiful, and strong she truly is and I wouldn’t mind spending years helping her realize the truth.

It’s going to be really hard without her. For most of this year, she was my everything — literally, the only person I had. Yeah, I know a lot of people in Los Angeles, but it’s not like my life in San Francisco, where I had lots of people to run to when I needed to cry or vent or whatever.

I know that I just need time, but I don’t know what to do or how I’m going to do it. The initial plan was to not eat and drink a lot of vodka. Part of me wants to leave Los Angeles; I’ve just failed at too many things here — marriage, work, and my friendship with Asika. Part of me wants to go back to being dead inside.

You see, that’s thing about feeling again. While Asika gave me so many beautiful memories that will live in my heart for a long, long time, she also broke my heart. I feel so much pain right now. I wish the heart had an off switch.

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