A year ago today, I was flying to Tokyo for what would be a life-changing trip. It started out well enough — I had some fun work in Yokohama and then I went to Thailand to catch up with some friends. After that, it all went downhill.
While I was in Thailand, I lost my job over a fairly dumb matter (almost all my friends in the business said that it wasn’t something I should have lost a job over). I also lost some friends over the whole thing. I still don’t know what happened, but I was told by people in the office that I was made the scapegoat and someone that I thought was my friend totally trashed me. That part sucks on multiple levels; I wasn’t around to defend myself and I was supposedly sold out by someone that I’ve known for more than ten years. I guess people believed his side of the story, because that whole circle just shut me out. Again, I don’t know exactly what happened because I wasn’t in the country and I doubt I’ll ever get the real story.
Things just kept getting worse. My knee was really bad (it still needs surgery) — just difficult and painful to do simple things, like take a shower. One of the great friends in my life passed away. I struggled (and am still struggling) financially. There were even a few days where I had to wait a day or two until I could eat.
It has been a really challenging year for me. A lot of people point to times like this as character building. That definitely wasn’t the case for me — it was more soul crushing than anything else. The trials and tribulations of the last year have made me worse. I worry so much about money, paying the bills, and making rent that it’s hard to be creative. I used to be really bold with how I approach work and I used to love taking risks. I’m too scared and skittish to be that way. It’s like this black cloud is always hanging over me.
Earlier in the year I went out with Aletheia and she reminded me of how I used to be. It’s the reason she was drawn to me and why we connected. I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t like what I’ve become. My primary concerns used to be doing something creative and fun — trying to make something great. I used to dream about producing cool videos, making fun web sites, etc. Now I just dream about money. I hate that I’m like this now.
Yeah, I suppose this has been a downer birthday post, but that wasn’t my intention. I’m aware of these problems and I’m trying to change. Can I get back to the way I used to be? I don’t know…but I can definitely be better than how I am now. I will try.