You know how I’ve had a pretty rough go of things from mid-October to mid-March the last two years? Well I thought my rebirth was going to start yesterday, one day early. I had an excellent day with Ultimate – Best – Best – Kitten – Butterfly – Woman. We drank Phil’z brilliant coffee, played in the park, watched a movie, ate yummy Mexican food, did some research, had wine and cheese, sang karaoke, and went to Buddha Bar — you know, standard building-memories things. Unfortunately I went to the dark side at the end of the night and got extremely emotional.
Between the work drama and holding back everything I’ve been feeling because of my crap February, I just totally broke down. Like really hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I laid into Best Best way more than I should have and she had to deal with me. We do a lot for each other and I try my best to treat her well, but the last few times we’ve hung out she’s had to see the worst of me. No human should have to put up with the parts of me she puts up with. I’m amazed that she does and I feel so fortunate that she’s there for me. Then again, I’m not sure she really has a choice since we share 11 percent of our brains (tee-hee).
So yeah, this is the deepest I’ve fallen into the dark side in … probably the last ten years (see Raymond’s failed engagement). It was pretty awful. I’m probably going to reveal way more than I ought to, but like Christian (the WWE one, not my roomie) says, “That’s how I roll.” Despite all the whining you read on my blog or hear on the phone or read in my AIM windows, I really love life. Even when things aren’t going well, I still always appreciate that I’m alive to feel anything. Plus I’m extremely terrified of dying, or really not being able to feel. I love being alive. It totally rocks.
Last night I didn’t care any more. (Don’t worry, I’m not getting suicidal or anything.) For a few hours, I wasn’t terrified of death and I was pretty ambivalent about living. I didn’t want to die or anything, but with everything I’ve been struggling with over the last six or seven weeks I wouldn’t have been averse to Zeus striking me down with a bolt of lightning (normally I’d sidestep it). And I’m well aware that there are millions of people that are exponentially worse off than me, but I’m just not that strong a person. Brave? Most of the time, yes. Strong? Ha!
So my true rebirth began on the ides of March, as expected. Best Best and I talked out some of our issues; hopefully it’s like my other mishaps and we use the experience to grow. The work drama got as settled as it’ll ever get internally. This was important because I’ve discovered a few gray hairs that sprouted up because of the incident and the damn thing was becoming an emotional rollercoaster that left me exasperated. I’m pretty sure it’s all done internally. Did I make a mistake? Sure I did. Were other people overreacting? I think so. Am I going to use the whole experience to learn and progress? Oh, most definitely.
It was a learning experience … on several levels. It helped me confirm some allies and friends. It helped me see the people that would sell me out without a second thought. It helped me get over some of my naive ideas of how “real” people can or can’t be. So while it added some undesirable color to my hair and excess emotions to my life, I’m glad I could learn from it and can use it to prepare better in the future. Plus, when you try to do something different and / or new, not everyone will like, appreciate, or understand what you’re doing.
So here I am. After my walk on the dark side. After settling the work drama. Ready for my rebirth. This isn’t how I expected it to kick off, but it’s kind of appropriate. I feel so emotionally drained and I probably cried three months worth of tears. So maybe I just needed to empty the glass of negativity so I could refill it with positive vibes. If my theory is wrong I’ll just f*cking go to Hawaii.