Three Weeks Noticed
Wow. Tonight I realized how crazy the last three weeks were. My emotions have been all over the place and so much has been going through my head. People have been concerned with my behaviour — more people than I thought. To quote Jeff Goldblum from The Fly, “I’m getting better.” I’m not yet well, but I’m not spinning out of control anymore and I’m back on a safer path.
I haven’t really thought about what’s been happening because it’s been too much. I was okay just dealing with the heartbreak and work problems, but adding substance issues, babysitting, and a major career choice was more than I could juggle.
I had a pretty lengthy chat with Justin about it all and reading my exploits in an AIM window made me realize how ridiculous things have been. Then I had a nice father-daughter catch-up evening with Glenda and gained additional perspective.
I have a bit more clarity now. Let’s try to sum it up … actually I’ll sum it up on my own since you can’t actually type with me.
The Sad Girl — It’s funny what one drunken night will lead to…. Done laughing yet? It was an indiscretion made because I needed to feel cared for and wanted. Yeah, I know she’s really, really bad for me. I do care about her though and I know she cares about me too. She just has some severe issues to work on. I want to help her and take care of her, but she needs to want to do that for herself. She clearly does not. I’ve given her a lot of my time, my energy, and my money over the last month. I need to stop.
She’s a good girl, but she drains the life out of me. She’s made me revert to “saviour” mode. I’m not a saviour. I’m a guardian. Since KOTOR2 has me in Star Wars geek mode I’ll bust out a Qui-Gon Jin quote. “I can only protect you. I cannot fight a war for you.”
The whole babysitting thing reminded me of this stupid dream I had about Michelle LaRue. She was our old CEO’s assistant and my sometime workout / tanning buddy. I had a dream that we were on the ellipticals. I looked her in the eyes and said, “So … you take care of Mark. Who takes care of Michelle?” When Sad Girl was staying with me, I kept thinking, “Who takes care of Raymond?”
LA — Yeah. Being heartbroken, not having your grand plans work out, and getting a surprise visit from The Sad Girl made for a surprisingly good time, but one filled with bad choices. It was stupid. I know.
Nemesis — My enemy’s visit did so much for me. Sure there was lots of drinking, but there was lots of laughing, lots of singing, lots of thinking, lots of talking, and a little bit of crying. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so much. Having her listen to all my nonsense — sometimes out of nowhere — was liberating. We suffer from the same mania so she understands so many of my crazy thoughts. She really helped me get on track.
In a way it’s creepy how much she helped. My heart and mind feel lighter. My skin — which was getting really crappy — cleared up a bit. Hrm. I’m suddenly reminded of Jim Valvano’s ESPY speech. Here’s a snippet.
“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.”
Thank you for helping me laugh, think, and cry Kitten. I think I might have to abandon you though.
Daughter Dearest — After all the partying and my three-week emotional-rollercoaster, I needed a mellow evening. I didn’t want to be alone though (big fear!). Thankfully my daughter wanted a mellow evening as well. We went to Farley’s, which is still my San Francisco happy place, and I made up all kinds of new nicknames for her. Being at my favorite place in the city , sipping coffee, and reflecting on life with my darling daughter was a brilliant change of pace.
Then we had a nice father-daughter movie night. Glenda is pretty much the only girl I can think of that would be content watching 61* on a Friday night. I’m physically and emotionally drained, and it was incredibly comforting to have her company.
Hmph. I suppose that means I shouldn’t type all those clever jokes I made about you. They’re so funny though! Tee-hee. I’ll keep them under my hat because I love you.