Burnout, girls whose names begin with the letter T, and other stuff
Work is becoming difficult. There’s a lot I love about my job, but lately the tough stuff has been overbearing. Holiday season is always stressful, but I’ve been assigned with loads of spreadsheets, presentations, and other tedious tasks. That isn’t to say that those things aren’t important, rather that the timing couldn’t be worse. Plus I’m not getting to do as much of the stuff I’m good at because I have to spend time on these other assignments. It’s frustrating. I’d be perfectly fine if I was just overworked from writing, editing, etc. These other things are making life not fun. Getting four hours of sleep a night, working weekends, and missing weddings shouldn’t be happening.
It’s all making me tired of the game. I’m tired of web sites not getting as much respect as magazines. I’m tired of putting so much effort into a site that — under present conditions — can be number three at best. The last week was really difficult and the frustration I had in Tokyo hasn’t disappeared completely. Hopefully things will get better or I’ll turn burn before the holidays come.
What’s making it worse is that I feel so alone in Irvine. The only great friend I have down here is Steve, and I want to give him space to figure his own stuff out. I haven’t seen Raina in a long time and I miss Kate so much….
Speaking of which, I went to Farley’s this evening. It made me miss her more. I saw Tobie there. She looks really good and really happy. She quit smoking and I’m quite proud of her for it. Even though I miss her and seeing her makes me happy, it just doesn’t spark like it used to. That’s probably a good thing.
I saw the girl there too. Actually, I went to Farley’s with her. She got upset with me because of something I said. I don’t regret it, because I meant it. I was telling her how I don’t have people and places in Irvine that ease my heart. She said I should move back to San Francisco, to which I replied that it wouldn’t matter many of the people I’ve leaned on are gone. So she asked, “What about me?” I quickly — and that’s probably where the mistake lies — said, “I don’t count on you.”
It sounds harsh and insensitive, but it stems from me being…well, wussy. I know she loves and cares about me, as I do her. It’s just that there have been too many times in the past when I’ve really needed someone and she hasn’t been there. And it breaks my heart because there’s little I wouldn’t do for her. So to protect myself, I’ve been trying not to count on her being there when I’m having a hard time.
I think I’m going to write her a letter to explain. Even though she was fine when we parted, I didn’t like that it was swept aside so easily. I think I was too soft and apologetic in letting it go. Part of me thinks the comment might be lingering in the back of her mind, while part of me thinks she’s too insensitive for it to bother her. It’s important to me that she knows how I feel. I’m not going to tell her to make her upset, but rather in hopes that it will strengthen our friendship…or at least her understanding of me.