OMG, I Have the Power of Heart
Remember that environmentally-friendly cartoon Captain Planet? It was a tree-hugging good time with kids that had the powers of earth, wind, fire, water, and heart. I always thought that the kid with the heart power was a lamer. I mean, what the hell could he do? Make people feel good about themselves? The other kids could conjur up an inferno or cause a tidal wave, while this little tart gave people warm fuzzies.
I came to the realization that I hated him so much because he reminded me of myself. I’m not particularly smart, cool, good looking, athletic, or charming. But if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s treating my friends well and caring about them. Deppresingly, I have the power of heart.
Shoot me now.