Thank God it’s February. I mean, there’s no way that this month can be worst than the last (knock on wood).
In a few minutes, I will have been up for 36 hours. What a strange day it’s been. I just couldn’t sleep last night and I was too out of it to work. So I alternated between moping in my bedroom and moping in my living room. Fortunately, I had a meeting with some flaks, so I had to leave the house. I got through the meeting okay; that is to say I didn’t look too miserable. Afterwards I went downtown to do some errands. I was all set to go home, but I felt really lonely and I really didn’t want to be alone. It’s weird, I’ve been dreading being alone, but when I’m around people, I’m not saying a whole lot. I want company, yet I’m very ashamed of my current state and don’t like people seeing me like this.
Anyway, I popped in James’ office uninvited and spent the next four hours subjecting him to my company. I was really grateful that he put up with me, but I also felt guilty for imposing. The week has been going by so slowly. It feels like what happened last Sunday took place months ago. I know I’ll eventually feel better, but I’m afraid of the cost. It’s been really difficult already. There are times when I’m clearly crazy. So many little things can set me off–hearing a song she liked, someone bringing up the town she’s from, coming across a movie we saw together, accidentally finding a picture of her, soy milk, hearing the phone ring around the time she used to call…. The last one was particularly annoying. I absolutely hated how excited I got when I thought it might be her. I hated even more when I remembered how things are now, and that I won’t get to hear her voice for a very long time…maybe not ever.
Ah, I just remembered why lugubrious is my favorite word.