�Friends� or �Nerves of steel�
Two of my best friends in college were in town the last three days. It was so much fun–on so many levels–to spend time with them. Of course hanging out and catching up were cool, but the best part of it was spending time with people that will always know me. No matter how far we drift apart or how much we might change, these guys will always know who I am deep down. It�s so incredibly comforting having friends that love me and will be there for me without question. The stupid things I do and the windmills I chase will never change their feelings for me, nor mine towards them. I�ll never make friends like them again and I�d be shocked if I don�t know them for the rest of my life. More than anything else, my close friends from college are the reason I miss New York…except for maybe pizza and the Yankees�just kidding.
While Steve and Esmond were here I hung out far more and later than I usually do. Thursday I didn�t turn in until 4:30AM and Friday I crashed at 5:45AM. We spent an unusual (for me anyway) amount of time at bars and strip clubs. The whole thing was a reminder of how frightened I am of most women. At the bars I didn�t have the nerve to approach any woman I thought looked cute or interesting. I don�t have the nerve and I find the concept of having to compete with other people in order to meet someone rather ridiculous. The strip clubs were worse. I�ve come to realize that I have a fear of intimacy–both physically and emotionally. I find women with their clothes on vexing enough; I found the strippers absolutely terrifying.
Much like college, I didn�t hang out with any white people the last few days. For some reason I�ve yet to discern, I�m just far more comfortable around other Asians. I didn�t realize how much until now. When I�m around white people, I�m a little reserved and there�s a part of me I never reveal. Perhaps it�s because they can�t know what it�s like to grow up as an Asian American and can�t understand some of my experiences. It might be more than that though; the guys I�ve been hanging with the last few days are all Asian people from NY. With these guys I just feel infinitely more comfortable being myself. I’m sure there�s some sort of affinity there. Then again, my Asian friends out here are on the white-ish side so maybe that�s why I don�t fully identify with them. I�ll have to give this more thought.