I’ve been waking up happy since Saturday. I’m totally not used to it…but I’m enjoying it. Stupid little things that used to kill me for a few hours or ruin my day — they don’t bother anymore. While life is certainly as challenging as it was last week, I’m just in a much better place. I hope it lasts as long as it can. Lubs.
My dear friend Aletheia came down from the Bay Area for my birthday weekend. We’ve known each other really well for a very long time. She’s one of the few people that truly knows me, gets me, and accepts all of my ridiculous quirks. When we’re together, it’s kind of like being kids — we frolic and go on adventures.
I haven’t seen her in years and it was so amazing that she came. She knows I’ve been having a tough year with my Dad passing away and the unfortunate situation with the girl-who-shall-not-be-named. She’s super busy with her own family and company to take care of. That she came down just for me…on my birthday…when I’ve been needing someone that really knows me — I can’t even find the words to adequately express how grateful and appreciative I am for her. When I think about it, I get really happy…and then I want to cry because I’m so touched.
I spent my actual birthday with her adventuring in Venice Beach. It was just a beautiful time and she absolutely spoiled me. Every second with her over the weekend was simply fantastic. She gave me the best day I’ve had all year and the best weekend I’ve had all year. Her visit was one of the best gifts I ever received in my life. I’ll never forget it and will try extremely hard to repay her.
It’ll probably wear off because I’ve gotten so used to being miserable and hateful, but Aletheia has made me the happiest I’ve been in months. My heart is genuinely full. When a person does that for you, it’s so hard to put into words.
It’s completely appropriate that Aletheia’s nickname is Ether. In Final Fantasy, ether restores magic. While she’s certainly a magical being on her own, she shared some of that with me and brought some magic to my life.
Last Friday I had a business lunch. As my work colleague and I were driving around, lots of songs that reminded me of Asika popped up on his radio. This isn’t a problem when I drive, since I almost always listen to the music on my iPhone (most of which she hated, btw). I miss her bad singing. Her normal singing is terrible, but when Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do” comes on, she sings in a mocking tone, which is even worse than her normal voice. I miss her incessant complaining about my predilection for staying in the right lane. I miss her complaining about me in general. She did it in such a cute way.
Last night I went to the gym to clear my head and to try not to think about anything. Minutes after I got on the elliptical machine, I saw a female sports anchor with the same last name as her’s. Apparently the universe is determined to keep me in a morose mood. Thanks so much.
In addition to depression and anger, feelings of stupidity have been added to my cocktail of emotions. I feel stupid for wanting her. I feel stupid for thinking that it could work. I feel stupid for believing that she thought I was different and special. Really, I feel stupid for putting myself in a situation that has me feeling the way I do. While I’m quite far from a genius, I do hate feeling stupid.
Just when I thought I was making progress on my mission to not care…I woke up. Today was tough and I’m not sure why. Nothing triggered the additional sadness. I just woke up missing her tremendously and that feeling stayed with me throughout the day. It’s not just her that I miss though. I also miss the dream of her.
I miss how our relationship was from February to April. I miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything, any hour of the day. We used to spend hours a day talking, whether it was in person or over iMessage. I miss those days when I’d wake up to a text from her and go to bed telling her, “Goodnight Princess. You’re awesome and I adore you.” I miss the sound of her voice and seeing her smile. I miss…her.
Then there’s the dream of her. For the last few months, there’s nothing that I wanted more than to be her boyfriend. I miss having daydreams where I’d think, “Wouldn’t being with her be completely wonderful?” I’m a dreamer — always have been — and Asika was one of the most delightful dreams that I’ve ever had.
Losing her and the dream of her has me feeling empty. I’m back to where I was at the end of last year, but it’s even worse. The end of my marriage was a slow burn that took years to completely dissolve. As bad as it was, I prepared myself (as best I could, anyway) for the ending. Losing Asika was sudden. A bunch of things came up over text and she was out of my life. It’s like the difference between constant, nagging pain and sudden, sharp pain.
My apartment feels so lifeless, though I suppose that how I want it to feel. She was the only person that I’ve had over for years. I guess that’s appropriate because she was the only person that I let in my heart for years. I’m hopeful that I won’t make that mistake again. I hate feeling this way. I hate missing her.
If I could bring a fictional character to life, it would be Dr. Bigelow from Louie. Look at some of the nonsense he spouts.
This is love — missing her because she’s gone, wanting to die. You’re so lucky. You’re like a walking poem. Would you rather be some kind of a fantasy? Some kind of a Disney ride? Is that what you want?
Don’t you see? This is the good part. This is what you’ve been digging for all this time.
Now you finally have it in your hand — this sweet nugget of love, sweet, sad love, and you want to throw it away. You’ve got it all wrong.
That’s strange. I don’t consider myself lucky and I certainly don’t consider this the “good” part. I also have no desire to be a lugubrious walking poem. What good is that?!?
My fondest wish is that I could be with the girl that I’ve been dreaming about for the past few months. That would be lucky. I really don’t see the upside to heartbreak and depression.
But wait, there’s more!
The bad part is when you forget her — when you don’t care about her, when you don’t care about anything.
The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can, for God’s sakes.
Yes, because heartbreak is oh so enjoyable. I’m actually hoping to get to the “bad” part he’s referring to. Things would be exponentially easier if I didn’t care about anything or anyone. That’s what I’m striving to do.
So F*ck you Dr. Bigelow. If I had magical powers, I would bring you to life just so I could smash your skull with a baseball bat.
Since I lack the required conjuring skills, perhaps I should go after the writers instead. *sigh* This is why I try not to watch much television.
Waan pinged me on Facebook earlier today. She was asking if I was going to visit soon. Her attention is selective; it depends on if she has a boyfriend or not. Still, it was nice having someone check up on me and ask how I was doing. In the last week, Aletheia was the only person that approached me first. After depression stabilizes and things go from dreadful to awful, I’m wary about sharing my feelings with people. I’m morose and whiny — not a good combination and not a good look.
Nutch shared an article about getting over someone. Some of it sounded thoughtful and helpful.
You might feel fine the moment you suppress your emotions, but that moment won’t last long because all of your feelings will find their way out eventually.
It doesn’t matter how much time you spent strategically hiding them, how much energy you spent ignoring them. Feelings will always release themselves.
In order to get over someone, you have to allow yourself to feel all of the sad emotions that will inevitably plague you during the post-breakup period. You have to feel it all to heal it all.
Some of it sounded terrifying.
You’ll feel depressed and broken. You’ll feel desperate and forlorn. You’ll feel empty and hollow.
You’ll feel like your heart has been burnt to a crisp, and instead of pumping blood, it pumps bits of ashes throughout your bloodstream, darkening your thoughts and clouding them with despair, poisoning every crevice of your soul.
Yeah, no thanks. I think I’ll stick to alternating between suppressing my emotions and feeling awful.
Hopefully that cycle won’t last long. I’m trying to adopt a new philosophy about people in general. If I can become as callous as I hope to be, then problems like these feelings won’t be an issue in the future. It’s good to have goals.
She once told me, “You have made many of my dreams, needs and wants come true and for that I can’t ever thank you enough,” and, “you are everything and more.” Yet if you peruse her social media, there’s very little evidence that we knew each other at all, let alone meant anything to each other. Was it lie? I’d like to think not.
I once told her, “You’re my dirty little secret.” That stems from not telling her coworkers precisely how dear she was to me. In retrospect, maybe I was her dirty little secret. More likely, I was just a placeholder — someone that gave her love, affection, and attention while she got over her failed marriage until she was ready to be with someone else. Last week she said, that I helped her get over her ex-husband. Now she has feelings for someone else. How wonderful for her. Where do placeholders go after they’ve been discarded?
Maybe it’s good (for her) that she doesn’t have many photos and videos of the time we spent together. I’m easier to forget that way. I’m sure she’ll forget about me and what we had soon. I’m also sure that I’ll look at the photos I have of her every day for a long time, missing her immensely and feeling pain over the way things ended up.
I’m trying to convince myself that emotions are just random chemical reactions that don’t really mean anything. Things are just more convenient that way. It’s also easier to reconcile that perhaps I was everything and more to her, once upon a time. Soon, I’ll be nothing.
Even though Asika and I initially bonded over the TV show Friends, this post isn’t about that. It’s about friends that I don’t really have anymore. For a long time, I had many amazing friends — excellent people that I could count on for anything and everything. From high school to college to New York to San Francisco, I had a brilliant support network of incredible people. I haven’t had that in years and I’m suffering for it now.
Part of it was getting married. Marriage requires work and you have to put a lot of yourself into it. A bigger part of it was my marriage falling apart. Even before she left last year, the two years prior to that were tiring. I tried, struggled, and ultimately failed to keep things together. The time and energy I put into trying to keep my marriage going caused me to neglect a lot of great friends. Of course they all had lots of things to do and their own lives to lead. Relationships change, fade, and end.
One of the people I was closest to in the world — someone that would do anything for me — died of cancer in 2009. Another person that I loved immensely has two kids to worry about these days. Someone that I used to be dearly close to has a marriage of his own to worry about. Another fantastic friend moved back to New York. Then there are people that, for whatever reason, I’ve just lost touch with.
Again, a lot of this is my fault. I had duties and obligations to someone else, even though in retrospect the work I put into the relationship wasn’t reciprocated (hmmmm, pattern?). I had to let some friendships go.
Certainly there are people that I could turn to in dire situations, but something like heartbreak is…touchier. Even though it might ruin me, it’s not going to kill me. Crying and whining to someone (which I’ve done some of on Facebook Messenger already) makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with all of these emotions I’m having. Exercise is giving me an outlet for it, but doesn’t heal the problem. I need help, time, and attention. I need friends like I used to have.
Okay, silver lining — Ether said she was going to try to visit next month. That would be amazing for me, but I’m not going to count on it. As dear as she was and is to me, she has her own family to worry about and was flaky in her younger years. Still, she’s all I have to look forward to right now. I hope she makes it.
John Waters recently said, “Refuse to isolate yourself. Separatism is for losers.”